Design and Grief

Grief is a funny thing — you don’t know quite when it will strike. You might think you’ve processed all you can, but then DING… a sharp reminder of your loss strikes. You want to break down and cry, but you might be in a client meeting, or with your kids, or when you’re facing a pile of things to get done. So you push on and shove those feelings down for a bit longer ‘til you have time to cry in the bathroom alone later.

I am not writing this for attention or affirmation, but rather to share that it is important and okay to take some time for yourself in a way that is helpful to you after experiencing loss. My heart goes to any of you who have experienced loss and are trying to balance grieving while getting back to your new ‘normal’, which might look different to each of us.

Make sure to take the time to process. Tell your clients and colleagues, and take a leave of absence if you need to.

I lost my father in May 2023 after a 1.5 year struggle with cancer. He fought with every bone in his body just to live another day. My dad was my hero, and possibly the most influential person in my life to date, so this was a tough one to swallow. He was originally diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic prostate cancer in October 2021 after months of extreme back pain (it had spread to his bones and liver at this point). He endured chemo and was doing ‘ok’ for a while. Then, in the beginning of this year (2023), my dad started getting these little marble sized bumps everywhere. It was weird. Another form of cancer had emerged—small cell carcinoma—for which he was in extreme pain sitting and laying down. It was aggressive. In addition to another round of chemo for his prostate cancer, he needed immunotherapy asap (which was delayed because of health insurance… argh!). During that time, my dad had a body scan and we found out that the cancer had spread literally everywhere at this point. Unsurprisingly, he had brain metastasis, where the docs gave him 4–6 weeks left if he chose not to do brain radiation. My dad, being the trooper he was, was set on enduring ten days of radiation regardless of how hard it would be for him. It was grueling to say the least. He lasted five days into radiation before his cognitive decline was so bad that he could barely function, and we took him to the hospital for dehydration. He lasted four more days there before passing. It was truly heartbreaking to see my dad help so many during his life, then at the end we couldn’t really help when he needed it most. The whole time, my dad only had a few hydrocodone pills a day—which he really didn’t start taking til’ a few months before his death. He didn’t complain. To get through this, we all gave ourselves nurse names and joked with him. I’ll never forget my dad.

Us.

My dad with my little sister and I many years ago. I got my love for the outdoors from him, which translates through my hobbies and design work!

Now, how does this relate to work?

I took time to help my mom and sister care for my dad at the end of his life, and to also spend time with family after he passed. I felt SUPER guilty about missing some deadlines. I withheld the fact that my dad was sick as long as possible with clients because I didn’t want people to feel pity, to treat me differently, or to think that I couldn’t handle things. This was a bad idea. Of course everyone was kind and gracious… and telling them gave me the space and time I needed to process things for a bit. So, make sure to do that if you need to. The work will be there, your loved one won’t.

I share this because grief is overwhelming. It is hard to know what to do, because we don’t go through such heavy loss very often. The pain is emotional so it’s hard for others to see or notice. If you’re feeling similarly, take the time you need.

Get outside.

Be with family and friends, or alone if that’s what you need.

Take it from me, and be transparent about what you need during tough times. Don’t feel guilty about taking time off, or being a lackluster friend—even if it means you’re literally doing nothing for a few days. You’ll get back to life when you’re ready.

Last week, I couldn’t wait to be in my ‘happy’ place again—my design office—where I could dream up ideas and work with clients on beer and liquor packaging, on building their visual identities, designing websites, and chatting with collaborators over zoom.

I have been back for a week now and have so many things to do, and to share. And just because I’m busy and ‘back at it’ doesn’t mean I forgot about my dad. In the grand scheme of things, work is trivial, but it’s where I truly find joy in my life. My dad would want me to be happy if he were still here, and I find happiness when I’m working on design projects. And now, when I get a little sad as I work, all I have to do is go outside for a walk and I am reminded of his presence.

Remember if you’ve experienced loss—to find the things and people you love, and to take the time to for little reminders that help you get through your days.

Dad

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